What Might Have Been
by itzalliballi
Summary: WARNING! MARK/DEREK SLASH! Scene takes place at the end of last season when Mark tells Derek he doesn't like Rose. I think I got the wording pretty close. Mark/Derek in the elevator. Please review!


**I break away from every situation like this one most times baby  
But since you been round here I've given in, my dear, to your captivation daily  
I'm not the type who gets voted most likely to be victimized by those old butterflies but  
You're the exception your love is infectious, and the fever is climbing high  
I was so cynical just inconvincible, nobody seemed worth trusting  
But sure enough just when id near given up you appeared there among the destruction  
Now it's official I've lost my initial suspicions and skepticism  
You got me caving in; feeding the craving, I see now what I've been missing  
**

There weren't many people that Mark Sloan actually liked. In fact, he probably wouldn't speak to 97% of the women he talked to if he didn't enjoy sex so much. You didn't have to like someone to have sex with them, you didn't even have to know someone enough to have an opinion of them. He didn't even need a name. Fake name, real name, nick name, it really didn't matter to him at all. If the woman was willing, there was a very good chance that Mark didn't need them to speak at all. Derek was different though. Derek liked the buildup to the sex. The anticipation, he had said. The only anticipation Mark enjoyed was tearing clothes off, which took him a total of twenty seconds, if the jeans were _really _tight. If it was up to him, jeans would be banned. Outlawed. They would be destroyed in a massive hole the size of Hoover Dam, and he would be a happy happy man watching the smoke rise into the air, covering the skies. Mark Sloan did not see the need for days, weeks, months of anticipation. He was not a man of self mutilation. It was all he could do to ride in a cab without having sex, and if he was honest, he failed at his attempt more times than he succeeded. There had been several women he'd dropped them off at their house without stepping out of the cab, and he'd been very satisfied.

It was with these thoughts in mind that he stepped onto the elevator after a very long shift. He was determined to talk some sense into his friend. He could not allow the madness to continue. Derek had clearly had some sort of voo-doo on him. Rose was crazy. He'd heard Meredith's sister rambling to Callie's ex husband about her declaring LOVE. LOVE! What kind of crazy pills was the woman on?? Derek was in no position to love her. He wasn't even in a position to like her! It was clear to anyone with half of a brain that if she was Grey, he would not be talking about anticipation and morals. He would be.. what was it? McDreamy! He'd damn near begged for sex when they'd gotten together after the divorce. He was quite impressed with Meredith's restraint. Mark had no restraint when it came to sex, even when he'd promised himself that he would learn to possess such a thing, he had failed and it'd cost him Addison. He had loved her, and he had lost her. Derek was all he had left, and he was not about to lose him to some crazy lovesick nurse that wouldn't sleep with him 'till they were serious. What was 'serious' anyway? Want a ring, lady? What century was this lady living in? Sex was not going to condemn her to hell, and if it was, he was a firm believer that it'd keep her alive to prevent the fall a little bit longer than before.

"I don't like her. I'm sorry, but as your friend, it's my job to say that I don't like Rose." He blurted out, a sense of relief washing over him as soon as the words left his lips. They'd been bubbling the entire day, and bubbling feelings was not something Mark enjoyed. He was direct, he said what he thought exactly when he thought it, and this bubbling was crap.

"Why?" Derek asked him, eying him curiously, and the moment he met his eyes, all of Mark's covers started crumbling. Derek _knew_ why he did not like her. The main reason, anyway, minus her being clearly crazy, Mark did not like Derek with any woman. Sex was one thing. Sex he could understand, he needed sex too, but what Derek was doing with Rose was just preposterous. Like he cared about her. They were each other's person. They did not need someone else to talk to.

"You're not even sleeping with her!" He bit back quickly, praying that Derek would have an epiphany before memories surfaced that he did not need to resurface. He'd buried them, and he did not like that they were manifesting behind his eye lids. Damn Derek and his flowerified pretend girlfriend.

"You don't like her because she's not sleeping with me? That's a little weird." Derek gave him a look, and Mark was losing his patience for this conversation. Derek was being difficult. She was not worth all of this trouble. Mark was sure of it.

"It's not weird." Mark fought the sneer as he defended himself. Clearly, Derek had mentally blocked out things as well. Derek, of all people, should understand where he was coming from with this. Against Mark's consent, a memory creeped into Mark's mind, forcing him to remember things he swore on the day of Derek's wedding that he never would again.

**  
Got my permission to  
Break the tradition  
No limited editions  
This is a persistent  
Change of disposition  
No more inhibitions  
I don't wanna spend my life wishing  
**

_College was known for experimenting. Drugs, sex, alcohol, you name it, and Mark had done his share since he started his college years at NYU. He'd been careful with the drugs, after all he was going into medicine, but none the less, he had experimented. He'd never been one to say no to something he'd never tried. Well, he was never good at saying no to much of anything, except the drugs. His mother had taught him enough about drugs to persuade him to stay with the easy stuff. His mother was a trophy wife, a fact she didn't realize until it was too late to get out. _

_She loved her son, but she hated the life that her husband had put her in. The parties- the expectations of greatness- they were too much for her to handle. Mark was eleven when she overdosed in his bedroom while he was at school. She was still breathing when he found her, but she never woke up. His father, unwilling to let his colleagues see the mess his wife had made, drove her to a hospital out of state. It wasn't even midnight when his father had the plugs pulled. It was one of the last times his father ever really saw him. Mark decided that night that love wasn't something he was interested in, he didn't want anything that was going to be the death of him. Derek's family had taken him in when his father made no effort to try. _

_It was the anniversary of his mother's death when Mark entered Derek's dorm room. He couldn't believe it'd been ten years. Ten years since he'd lost his mother because of his father's selfish needs. He promised himself he would not be like his father. He would not let his ambition crumble other people's lives. He would not get close enough to anyone to let it happen. "Hey Shep." He nodded at his friend who was laying down on his cot. He was glad Derek's new girlfriend, Addison, wasn't there. She really grated on his nerves. She was always staring at him when Derek wasn't around, but he almost preferred the staring to the outright rudeness she offered him. She was forever making comments about his lifestyle choices. He didn't need, nor ask, for her opinion. He didn't understand why she was so quick to offer it. Especially since he didn't seem to be good enough to waste a breath on before she started dating his best friend. _

_"You okay?" Derek asked him, sitting up so that Mark could sit beside him. He loved college life most of the time, he loved that he had a legitimate reason to be away from his sisters and not have too much guilt pushed onto him for it, but he did not love the fact that his room was the size of his closet back home. He never quite felt comfortable being in such close quarters with Mark. He couldn't describe it, but there was always a tense feeling of anticipation whenever Mark was in his room, which is why most of the time Derek went to Mark's apartment off campus. _

_"Bad day." Mark mumbled, leaning back until his back was flat across Derek's bed, his head only millimeters from hitting the wall. _

_"OH! God, I'm sorry, Mark. I thought about it yesterday, but today has been kind of bizarre. Do you want to .. I don't know." Mark watched from the corner of his eye as Derek struggled to think of something- anything to distract him. He smiled as he remembered why he'd come. Derek always had a way of cheering him up- or trying to anyway._

_"Let's get drunk." Mark stated matter-of-factly, and he could tell Derek was surprised by it. He usually refrained from partying on this day, but he was tired of feeling. He was tired of thinking._

**  
Well I hope you don't mind if I fall asleep on your shoulder  
Now turn out the lights and let the night begin  
And I hope it's alright if you're still mine when we're older  
Cause I wont spend another day wondering what might have been **

"It's a little weird."

"Hey! If you were sleeping with Rose, I could see why you're spending time with her. You're not. It's just.. I thought that.. Uh.." Mark stumbled on his words as he stepped closer, leaning in so that he didn't have to speak so loudly. "I thought it was just going to be you and me."

"Having sex?" Mark watched as Derek's eyes popped open, as if it was inconceivable. He wanted to point out that Derek shouldn't have seem so put off by it, but that would be breaking a verbal binding agreement. He would not do that. Especially not at work, in an elevator when they were discussing his feelings for a nurse.

"After! After Addison.. After Meredith.. I have been patient. I have waited while you partnered up with these chicks, but now they are over! It's suppose to be just us! You and me! Two guys on the prowl! On the hunt!"

"You're having trouble getting laid. And you need my help." Derek smirked, licking his lips as we waited for Mark's rebuttal. There would be one.

"I can get laid! Mark defended himself quickly. Just because the nurse's were on strike did not affect his sex life. Well, not extremely. Not every woman in Seattle was a nurse, and he was managing. He was sure there were some nurses that were left that didn't care to join the strike, he just hadn't managed to find them yet. He would though. Now more than ever, he would find them and charm them into the on call room.

"M-hm"

"I can get laid whenever I want!" Derek's sarcasm was getting to him. So much that he wanted to actually say that he'd almost slept with him. The words were on the tip of his tongue, just begging to be rolled off. But instead, memories flooded Mark's mind, making it impossible to say the words.

_"I never knew you had a secret stash of scotch in here, Shep." Mark stumbled back over to the bed after nearly inhaling a large portion of the bottle Derek gave him. He was glad that Derek had two, because he wasn't in the mood to share. _

_"Yeah. Well, I won't anymore." Derek smiled to show that he wasn't upset as Mark's head landed awkwardly in his lap. His body tightened immediately, but he forced himself to relax. Mark was upset. _

_"This is true. I will buy you a bottle for next time." Mark looked up at Derek to prove he was serious, but when he met Derek's gaze, he suddenly couldn't speak due to the lump that'd formed in his throat. Derek's eyes were cloudy, and Mark wasn't positive, but he was almost certain that Derek was on the verge of crying. _

_"She's gone, Derek." Mark finally managed to whisper before taking another big gulp from the bottle. The moment was too real, too intense, and he needed a distraction. _

_"I know." Derek nodded softly, his hands finding their way to Mark's head, his fingertips running lines on his scalp. It wasn't something he'd ever done before with Mark, and he wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, but he was relieved when Mark relaxed, allowing his eyes to flutter shut. _

_Silence enveloped the room, and Mark was suddenly all too aware of how much he had to drink in the last half hour, and how soft Derek's touch was. He knew this wasn't suppose to be happening. Guys were not affectionate with other guys, but he couldn't bring himself to get up. It felt good to be taken care of. Even in the most minimal of ways. "I should go." He mumbled, even though he made no attempt to move. _

_"You aren't going anywhere, Mark." Derek's voice was stern, and left no room for even the fakest of arguments._

_"Ok." He nodded, bringing the bottle to his lips again. He just wanted to forget. _

_"You're going to regret that in the morning." Derek leaned down carefully, his lips almost touching Mark's ear as the whispers hit his now tingling skin._

_"Regret is nothing new." Mark met Derek's gaze, and without his permission, his stomach knotted, and if he didn't know any better, he would swear he had butterflies. Which was just ridiculous. Mark had never gotten butterflies before, and he certainly didn't have them about DEREK! His best friend! Oh my God, he thought, wanting to wince, he'd officially gone crazy. He'd heard that going without sex could make a person desperate, but it had only been a week! Surely a week wasn't long __enough to make ANYONE appealing. Mark Sloan was NOT into men. He loved women. All women. He loved sex with women. His head immediately shot up, but was quickly back down after bumping heads with Derek, who was still leaning over him. "SHIT!" He muttered, his hands dropping the bottle to the floor to cover what he was sure going to be a bump on his forehead. Way to be smooth, Mark. _

"Ah-huh." Derek's answer brought him back momentarily, and he was glad that it was before the night got further progressed.

"I do get laid whenever I want." Mark insisted, wanting so badly to prove his point right then, he was almost willing to walk right out that elevator and seduce the first woman he laid eyes on, no matter who it was. He was willing.

"Ahhuh"

"That's the point! Women are everywhere! I only have one person I can talk to." He hated saying it. Because he knew the memory was just going to come back .Damn Derek and making him say things. Embarrassing things. Things he would NEVER say without proper begging and pleading from Derek.

"That's sweet!"

"Shut up!" Mark narrowed his eyes, unable to fight off the memory anymore.

_"Why are we friends, Derek?" Mark asked drunkenly, using his bump as an excuse to hide his face with his hands. _

_"Besides the fact that you need me to pick up girls?" Derek laughed pulling Mark's hands away from his face. "Let me see your head." He insisted as Mark resisted._

_"I don't need you to pick up girls." _

_"You do. You're pathetic, and I am a lesser man for knowing you." Derek grinned, his hands delicately working their magic on his forehead. _

_"I am not pathetic. You need ME to pick up girls." _

_"I don't need to pick up girls, my friend. I have Addison. Addison is my girl. I am spoken for. I am off the mark-"_

_"OK! You're practically married to the ginger! Got it!" Mark muttered, knowing that his voice was much edgier than it should have been. He was determined to blame the bump for the anger as well as the nausea that'd arrived with Derek's proclamation that he was off the market. _

_"Maybe you should see a doctor, Mark." Derek whispered,watching as Mark winced every time he put the smallest amount of pressure on it. He kept having the compulsion to kiss it, but he refrained. It was just the scotch talking, and he would have to face Mark in the morning, whether he would remember it or not. _

_"I'm fine. I don't want medicine." Derek had seen that one coming, so he only nodded. Of course Mark wouldn't want medicine. _

_"Fine. But you aren't going to sleep anytime soon." Derek tried to say it with an air of authority, but he was pretty sure it just came out as whiny. He watched, only partially amused, as Mark fought to stand up, despite the fact that the room was clearly spinning as Mark spread out his arms for balance. He'd wondered how long it would take Mark to get uncomfortable with the position of his head in his lap. He'd gotten his answer, which was longer than he'd expected. Once again, he blamed the alcohol for the slow recognition. _

"No, it was really warm and fuzzy! Very sweet!"

"Shut up! Are you serious about this woman?"

_"Whoa." Mark stumbled backwards, once again landing hopelessly on Derek, who was prepared for this fall, unlike the last one. His arms stretched out to break his fall, and smiled as Mark's head landed on his shoulder. "You're okay." He whispered into Mark's ear, trying to keep his heart rate steady. _

_He stopped thinking about what was happening. It only made his head hurt worse. Instead, he released his brain from any blame, and allowed himself to just be in the moment. _

_"You know, you're my best friend, right D?" Mark asked slowly, his eyes blinking rapidly as he tried to focus on Derek. It was a hard task considering the room was starting to spin. A voice was going off in his head telling him to leave, but his body made no attempt to obey. That hadn't worked so well for him last time. _

_His eyes fluttered shut as their noses brushed against each other. He gulped as Derek straightened back up, staring at him only for a moment before laying back on the bed. Mark paused for a moment, but eventually he followed suit, lying his head even with Derek's, their eyes in line with the other. He sat the bottle of scotch carefully on the desk as he covered their bodies with Derek's comforter. _

_The cot was so small that Mark could feel Derek's lips every time he look a deep breath, but neither of them tried to separate. It was easy to tell themselves they had no choice in the matter, even as their heads subtly kept moving closer and closer together._

_It seemed almost inevitable as their lips eventually collided on purpose, and awkward hands found places on each other's bodies, although they did not roam. Mark was careful as he pulled Derek closer by the back of his neck. Their tongues tangled in a war for control, and eventually Mark let Derek win as he rolled onto his back, Derek hovering over him. He had no desire to win. He just wanted to be comforted- to get lost in the moment. He didn't think that was too much to ask. _

"I don't know, could be." Derek gave him a look that told him he needed him to understand. It was hard, but Mark felt compelled to give in. He was his person. He'd been there in some of the worst times of his life. He deserved the same thing in return.

"Alright, I'll give her a chance." He sighed loudly in defeat, much the same way he'd done the night in Derek's dorm room.

_Mark didn't know how much time had passed when Derek pulled away. Neither of them had tried to progress it further than the kissing. "We're drunk, Mark." Derek whispered, keeping his eyes shut as their foreheads rested against one another. _

_"We should go to sleep." Mark agreed, even though he made no effort to push Derek away. Not that he had much strength to do that. _

_"We should." Derek gulped, forcing himself to push away, turning around to face the wall. Mark frowned as he watched him turn away. The desire to drink rose again, but he pushed it away. He didn't need to drink anymore. He bit his lip for a moment in hesitation, but eventually he decided to just go ahead. He could blame it on the alcohol in the morning. He held his breath as he draped his arm over Derek's waist, pulling him only slightly closer to him before dosing off to sleep. _

"Good boy." Derek grinned as the elevator doors opened, releasing him from the conversation he'd just won.

"You're pathetic, and I'm a lesser man for knowing you." Mark watched as Derek left the elevator. He swore he had no control as the words left his lips, echoing that night that'd haunted him the entire elevator ride.

"That's my line! You can't use my line!" Derek turned around with a grin, and it was then that Mark knew he remembered as well. His stomach flipped as Derek winked at him, and it was all he could do to stay on the elevator and let the doors close- effectively separating them. It was moments like that it was hard not to wonder what might have been.


End file.
